I've been waiting on a good topic to break the ice with and publish my first blog, but all my ideas have included topics like strange dreams about owls, Cat Deely dropping the F bomb on live TV and personal matters that never really found resolution. These ideas brought me swiftly to the conclusion that no one really cares about all of that... so I wanted to wait around until something truly intriguing popped into my head. Nothing had really tickled my fancy until now. Thank you, America for your God-awful taste in music and thank you American Music Awards for providing me (annually) with the perfect topic.
Hmmm. Where to begin. I missed the first hour, which I can't decide if I'm greatful for or disappointed about. I hope (for your sake) it was full of kick ass performances by Pink and Kelly Clarkson. Just the two of them rotating between all of their number one hits, because I know the reality of it was that the first hour probably sucked just as hard as the last two and a half. So for my own sake, I will continue to just play out the fantasy in my head of how the first hour of the AMA's went down... i.e. with incredible songs by the likes of Brandi Carlile, Joe Purdy, Ray Lamontagne, Missy Higgins and Ingrid Michaelson.... who the AMA's don't even recognize or have a category for, let alone give them a chance to perform on stage and show America what real talent is. Is this not 2009? There isn't even an Indie category. For real?
Let's start on a positive note (because there are only a few, really). I'm glad the MJ fans stepped up for this one. He could have not-so-easily been out-voted by screaming pre-teens from the south for 'Artist Of The Year', but... oh shit... wait... he was out-voted by screaming pre-teens from the south. A 19 year old country singer beat him. Insanity. Still trying to process all of that. Sheesh. Ok... sorry... positive... I'm staying positive. Well, at least he snagged a few; and though Germaine's strange acceptance speeches complete with thank you's to Allah and intro's of random family members (and other random not family members)... I do think that MJ was honored. Not as respectfully as he could have been... but that's America for you. In my mind, the man owns the damn AMA's. I suppose fans did the best we could by trying to support timeless talent... but we can't win 'em all. And that's as positive as I'm going to pretend to be about it.
Good performance by Green Day. Good performance by Rhianna (I like that she head bangs sporadically during every performance). Whitney has clearly still got it. The Alicia Keys and Jay-Z duet was killer (though I always find it disappointing when award winners don't/forget to thank they're significant others... or in this case, Beyonce' for love and support and blah blah blah... for being his wife. She is his wife, right?). Eminem was typical but good. Carrie Underwood was outstanding, per usual. Black Eyed Peas were awkward but tolerable.
Now let's get on to the weird shit...
Does anyone else figure J.Lo to be the Paula Abdul of the 90's? It was like she was trying to make some sort of huge comeback and had an epic fail moment instead. At one point I was squinting and asking myself, "Is she wearing tan tights?" Yes. Yes she was. I had to look up the name of the song she sang, given the confusion with the random boxing ring and hanging microphone and hot sweaty men in gloves. There is no mistaking this one now... the song is called "Louboutins". Yikes, Jen. AND she fell (with a speedy/professional recovery, I might add... but still). AND she was lipsinking. I'll tell you what, people... there is no other kind of entertainment like the AMA's. They always provide more comedy than they expect to. Poor J.Lo. Looks like all of that tromping down the aisles with confidence really didn't overrule your scrurrying away with your tail between your legs after that one.
Round two. Timbaland. Huh? Weird. That's all. I have three questions: A) What was he wearing? Those shiny, almost-skinny jeans with the too tight white shirt hugging in undesirable places and the leather jacked left me wondering when John Travolta and Olivia Newton John were going to make their appearance. B) Was his voice distorted through the mic? Please tell me it was. That voice is enough to give small children nightmares for a lifetime. C) Is his intro ALWAYS going to include "...produced music for JT and Nelly Furtado"? We get it, man. You tell us with every performance. It's like the redundant "Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew" even though Randy Jackson is never around. No one cares. We know you're buddies with some cool peeps. I feel like at this point, it's just not enough to keep his name afloat. And the MJ - Thriller stint at the end? I think I know what the idea was supposed to be... but it ended up just being (again)... weird.
Sidenote: What is UP with men wearing shades in a dim-lit room? It's so obnoxious.
Moving on...
Lady Gaga. I've said it all before but I still feel like people only drool over her excessively and have this crazy/religious love for her because she's wacko. Christ... she gets weirder every day. And for whatever reason, I find that silly. I feel like (musically), Pink is very comparable to Gaga... even has a better voice; but people don't shit over her or start cults in her name because she isn't as crazy. Hmph. I love her voice, appreciate her talent, and I'll buy her music... but I don't buy into the rest of it. I recently saw a video of her without that awful white wig on, in a smaller bar playing with a band in normal clothes. I was in heaven. It was great. She was stripped down to the bare bones of who Lady Gaga (a.k.a. Stefani Germanotta really is). Anyway... Gaga's performance at the AMA's was what I expected. those weird tan strips of whatever covering her noo-noo were making me a little uncomfortable in how much they were moving around. I definitely had my hands over my eyes at one point. But yep... typical. She's great. Her voice is great. But I think even weird gets boring sometimes. We'll see.
Was Kanye there? I hope not. And if he was, I'm glad I missed it. That boy needed a big shove back after "the incident". Didn't your mother ever tell you that it's not nice to interrupt and trash talk little girls on live TV, Kanye? Shame shame. I hope Chris Brown has been sucked into a deep, dark hole too... or at least people are smart enough to not support his music. I mean... John Mayer is a dick but at least he doesn't beat the shit out of his girlfriend.
Now... I've always despised Adam Lambert. I full-on gave up on American Idol last season when people became religious about voting for him. But watching him last night just made me giggle. Can anyone really watch a play-back of that performance (JUST the singing for now... let's not even get into the making out with the keys player and blowjob gesture with one of the male dancers) and say, "Wow... what an incredible artist". I gave one to J.Lo and now I'm giving one to you, Lambert. Yikes. Your screeching makes my ears bleed... and this time the screeching wasn't even on key. Three words (or two with a hyphenate, rather)... in-ear monitors. I bet the producers of the AMA's were really happy they made you the last performance of the evening. I saw it as some desperate attempt to establish his sexuality... which seemed pretty prominent (to me) from the get-go. Yuck. But I'm sure gay teenage boys across the country ate that shit up. You'll have them to thank for keeping you in business.
Last and most importantly... Taylor Swift ruined my life in a small way last night. I never thought she was especially talented. She's a sweet, naive young girl who, by chance (and with some luck) established a career. I feel strongly that she's a dime a dozen and must have the most kick ass managers/promotions team in the world to have launched her into such popularity. The songs are catchy and relatable to teenagers... but the singing? Not so much. Last night she nabbed an award from Carrie (Underwood... we're on a first-name basis) and she nabbed an award from Gaga (we're on a last name (?) basis) AND she nabbed an award from the Jesus of music, himself. We are talking about Michael Jackson, friends. We are also talking about three STELLAR artists (just based on their gift of singing alone). She beat Michael Jackson! Michael. Freaking. Jackson. Taylor Swift! What?! I know she didn't perform this year, which is probably a good idea, given her introverted, shakey, terrible, couch-sitting performance last year, but I'm still at a total loss (and very much ashamed) that she pulled in more votes than the king of pop
Ultimately, the AMA's is always wildly entertaining and a total let down. I feel that it exposes some of these class A celebs and knocks them down a couple notches on a yearly basis... which, in the world that we live in... is probably the best thing for all of us.
