Call me a blogspot whine-baby but I’m simply struggling with understanding the human brain lately.
Things I have a hard time comprehending (apparently): A) Friendship. B) Respect.
Let’s start with friendship. I’m pretty sure my idea of what this word is/means has been skewed from the start… but from what I’ve seen of it in the last, oh, I don’t know, year and a half (give or take), I’ve made the decision that I don’t really believe in what it stands for. And the sole purpose of its existence as I damn well know it (at this point for me) isn’t panning out to be a positive experience. Therefore… I reject it.
I often see/hear people boast of impeccable friendships touching their lives on a daily basis. Apparently I need these peoples’ digits. Maybe I’m too dependent on these select people for their time/energy/RESPECT. Maybe I’m just too naïve in thinking the heart of a friendship is supposed to be a reliable one. Maybe my expectations are too high? Or maybe… just maybe… I pick the wrong people. Perhaps a combination of all these ideas has lead me to (undoubtedly) a dead end of failure.
I ask myself often why it is that I am constantly disappointed. Answers range variously from, “Because you just can’t accept these people for who they actually are” to “Wow, they really don’t give a shit about me, do they?”. Final answer? Humans are selfish. We want what we want (Me: A handful of decent, reliable, responsible adults who are enjoyable to be around, have an impeccable sense of humour and are fairly low maintenance) and when we don’t get it we either cut corners to get by dealing with the consequences or we estrange ourselves completely from the situation to avoid handling it responsibly. I do it sometimes too. But I’m starting to wonder if the people we make the decision to be “friends” with 5+ years ago are still the same set of people we are meant to be friends with where we stand in our lives now. Maybe so. Maybe some set of friendships don’t change drastically and the paths two people are on head in the same direction. But I’d venture to say that a lot/most don’t. And I think the most common response is to continue relationships with these people because you simply cannot bear the thought of parting ways with them “after all these years”. It hurts. I get it. Me too. But what hurts worse? Distancing yourself from the hurt caused by someone that you ultimately do not mesh with anymore? Or allowing that hurt to continue to staple your life until there ends up being so much bitterness and resentment that you can barely stand to hear this person’s voice on the phone anymore. In my opinion the ladder is simply foolish. Even though I’ve done it/continue to still do it.
::sigh:: It’s backbone time. This friendship thing was meant to be a help, not a hindrance and I, for one am sick of resenting the whole idea. Time to do some weeding.
This other thing… respect. I guess it goes hand in hand with friendship but it applies (as we all know) elsewhere in life too. The thing I’ve learned about respect after being with/hanging around the right set of people is that most are ok with not having it if they never had it to begin with. But once you fucking have it… you will never deal with not having it again. I spent a lot of my earlier years being walked on by plenty of people. Men, women, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, family, etc. I think in my 26 years of age, I may have finally figured out exactly what respect is and what it means to receive it from people and sheeeeiiiiiittt… I ain’t never goin’ back, son.
What I don’t understand is the people that want it… but don’t think they’re expected to give it. There are lots of those people. Everywhere. You better check yoself before you wreck yoself. I had an experience recently that ended up simultaneously being a “straw that broke the camel’s back” AND “clouds parting” situation all rolled into one. The people involved still are pretty unaware of the effect they had on me. Let me put it into perspective for you:
You’re a child. You have two younger siblings. You live at home with mom and dad and every week there’s a chore list to be executed between the 3 of you. This chore list must be completed in a timely fashion before the end of each week or else there’s “big trouble” awaiting you. And every week, without fail, you do your chores diligently while your two siblings sit on the couch and watch tv. Granted, there is the occasional “put your dirty dish in the sink” from both of them… but generally speaking, you’re the one that carries the load. You try talking to them nicely… after all, they are family and you love them. But nice-talk turns eventually turns into irritated-talk which then quickly turns into angry-talk and shortly following, livid-talk. They know that ultimately, because you don’t want the wrath of the parental unit to rain down at the end of each week, you will do the chores because they must be done. Following the livid-talk, gradually resentment and bitterness sets in and one glorious day (this is the “straw breaking camel’s back”/”clouds parting” moment), you decide to throw in the towel. You will not lift another finger on behalf of you or your siblings. You swallow you pride, you accept that there may be deafening consequences to your decision, but that ultimately, you are making it and you are sticking with it and whatever happens, happens. The house might fall apart, you might get in trouble, you might lose respect from your siblings. But wait… you never had it to begin with! So the most damaging side of the consequences has already come into play. And by “quitting”… you free yourself from feeling burdened and angry over “always doing the right thing”… because it’s not your job to be responsible for other people.
It’s your job to be respectful. And when it’s not returned… all bets are off. And that, my “friends”… is how I feel.
