Trying this again... and other rants.

This blogging concept is really a tyrant. I've never understood how writers and non-writers alike can sit down to this thing every day (sometimes twice... sometimes thrice) and manage to spew it out all the time without a rush of emotions (or lack there of) interrupting the process completely and carrying you off into the day, ruining the whole thing. And I know that for some, its not an every day thing... but bloggers tend to be consistent, I've found.

Here are a list of thoughts that have interrupted my writing process every time I've tried to collect and electronically publish the things on my mind:

- "This is going to take FOREVER... am I sure I really have time for this right now? Nah."
- "Someone is prooobaaablly going to find this offensive and send me a wordy email confronting my passive-aggressive style of bitching my issues without using names and then not speak to me for months. Not worth it"
- "Who cares? I mean really. I don't even really care that much."
- "I'm bored. This is boring. And having to right click on all the red underlined words so frequently is giving me a rash. Forget it."
- "I'm thirsty."
- "I'm hungry."
- "I'm tired of sitting in this chair."

etc., etc. ...

So seriously. I don't know how people do this shit all the time. I'm currently wondering if I'll even get through this entry today without folding. But then I think back to the days when writing was a life line (as I believe it has been at some point or another for most people) and I actually enjoyed the process of regurgitating my thoughts. It's healthy and all that crap. The question is whether or not I have something to say. I guess we'll see.

And here I am writing a blog entry about writing a freakin' blog entry. Stupid. Moving on...

I've noticed something profound recently that has drastically effected my life. I think I'm realizing this all very late (now that I think about it) but, yanno... better late than never.

So here it is... the big epiphany ..::drum roll::..: people change. That's huge, right? Welcome to earth, Chelsea... glad you could join us. I know it's a duh - but I've just recently been able to wrap my mind around exactly what that entails on a lot of levels. It's a lot like the concept of death, when it's far away from you. An idea, a sad thing that happens... a change that is impossible to fully comprehend unless it is directly under your nose, forcing you to swallow that change and persevere when everything in you questions its will to continue on. It's difficult to really examine these ideas from anywhere but under a magnifying glass.

And I'm not sure it's the change itself that is the hardest part... it's the idea of being ill-prepared for those changes. I mean... how does one go about preparing for change all the time? I guess we might do it subconsciously a little but there's no perfect way to get yourself ready for it. The good changes are obviously way easier to deal with. I won the lottery? Bad ass. I'm quitting my job and moving to Cyprus. It's the change that involves your car breaking down on the side of the expressway and fucking up your whole day's schedule that seems difficult to plan for. Though I'd say I have a pretty good grasp on expecting ridiculous things to happen on a regular basis. Most would say that being prepared for those types of changes would make me what some might call a pessimist. It's not negative, I'd say it is simply an attempt to be ready when shit happens. That way... when good things like winning the lotto happen... or... more realistically, not hitting a single red light on the way to work - I am left shocked and amazed... and ultimately happy. I suppose that leaves for a mighty grim in-between. I've realized that finding the happy medium of not fully expecting your life to suck every day but also knowing that every waking minute won't be full of rainbows and unicorns is REALLY HARD. I think we tend to lean one way or the other (whether or not we are aware of it) and once we're leaning - it becomes the ultimate challenge to shift weight.

People changing is even tougher. Ever been in a room with someone and looked at them the way you always have and realized in that moment that you don't recognize them anymore? I've found that we have deep connections with people outside of our romantic relationships that bind us with those we consider to be friends. There is an initial draw (the connection) and then you build the relationship like you build a house. We make decisions about who we do and do not spend our time with; who is and is not worthy of our care and concern and when it is an appropriate time to trust, if at all. They are not easy decisions to be made, sometimes. Especially as we get older and become more self-aware, understand ourselves better and all that jazz. I've made a lot of mistakes in my choice of company over the years. As to be expected. But it's when you think you know someone, then suddenly realize you don't anymore - because of change and evolution and self-progression that hits the hardest. I blame change for a lot. It is fluid and constant and often ugly. Change produces change and that change creates more change and on and on and on. The only thing consistent about life is the changing of it and it's a harsh reality.

So now it's a matter of cleansing my tainted mind. Trying desperately to find the rainbows and unicorns in what seems to be an everlasting tornado. It's definitely worth working on in an attempt to see the bigger picture. One door closes, another opens. Rainbows because of rain. Patience, love and understanding and "God Bless The Broken Road" on repeat.