Giving up the dream.

My birthday gathering with "friends" this year was a bit disappointing. Guess it was my turn to have one of those, considering my previous birthday shindigs have all been pretty epically outstanding. Perhaps it's a sign that I should grow up and stop having birthday parties. Or that my friend list should change. Or that I'm being a huge whiny baby. In any case, here are a few things I was not disappointed by:

A.) Going ice skating before dinner. That shit is fun. For real.

B.) Inviting my oldest friends from high/middle/elementary school. I always invite them and I'm never sorry.

C.) Smoking two cigarettes during the course of the evening. I quit smoking over the summer and haven't really looked back... but I definitely enjoyed those smokey treats.

D.) Standing up to the jerks who were hogging the shuffleboard table all night and would have continued to, had I not got in their face about it.

E.) Playing a round of shuffleboard and enjoying several tasty beers. Duh.

F.) Wearing a tie. Also duh.

It's pretty apparent to me after last night that half of what "being a friend" means is the actual showing up part. Not that a lot of the people who didn't show mattered. But some of them did, and it hurt my feelings. Enough so that instead of sleeping in this morning after going to bed at 1:30 a.m., I'm downstairs writing this entry because I'm still fuming about it.

I've come to the conclusion that it simply isn't possible for me to find a group of people trustworthy enough to be friends with. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm let down too easily. Maybe I'm just reading too far in. Either way, there isn't a single solitary person on this earth right now that I would call for anything. And the night didn't start out that way. But leaving the establishment, getting in the car and driving home (completely sober, mind you) was probably one of the loneliest moments of my life.

Do I not invest enough of myself in these relationships? It could be my fault. Or maybe the group of people I'm choosing to invest in (on whatever level) are simply not the right people. Whichever of those options is the truth (probably a bit of both), it devastates me, as I've always found friendships to be a prominent part of my life.

What I haven't said yet is that I'm a bit of a control freak... I like people to act and behave appropriately (or inappropriately) at all times and in every situation, I expect friends to make the right decision every time and when things don't go my way, I'm intensely thrown off by it. Disheartened, angered, bitter - mostly a combination of all three.

...and I can't let go. I hold onto things and watch them slip between my fingers until my hands are raw from holding on so tightly. Holding onto relationships that aren't and will never be what they once were. How do you let go? Is it one of those zen things where I need to stand naked in a field somewhere with my arms out, then exhale and it will all go away? I'd love to believe that... because if that were the case (for as uncomfortable as I'd be naked), I'm out the door, finding that field.

And I wonder, have I always been this way? A little, I think. I was more open to change at one point in my life and then my dad passed away and I wanted to be 10 again forever. I know that's why I struggle... I just don't really know how to reverse it. My girlfriend tells me to stop putting so much emphasis on "who shows up" and start accepting people for who they are. "You don't like that about them? Well... it's who they are, Chelsea... so if you're going to remain friends with them, it's probably something you're going to have to suck it up and deal with. They aren't just going to magically change into someone else." Thing is... I know that. I really do. I get it... the odds of them changing into reliable, trustworthy, responsible adults are about as great as me turning into a passive nudist. I just keep hoping that at some point, some/one/all of them will grow up. And then I follow it up by telling myself that hope is a good thing, and maybe... just maybe at some point things will go back to the way they used to be.

It's time to give up the dream, I think. Time to start googling how to let go and checking out some self-help books.

What is that expression? Hmmmmm...

"Help me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Holy shit... perfect.

Oh yeah? Well I'm sick of singing covers...

Call me a blogspot whine-baby but I’m simply struggling with understanding the human brain lately.

Things I have a hard time comprehending (apparently): A) Friendship. B) Respect.

Let’s start with friendship. I’m pretty sure my idea of what this word is/means has been skewed from the start… but from what I’ve seen of it in the last, oh, I don’t know, year and a half (give or take), I’ve made the decision that I don’t really believe in what it stands for. And the sole purpose of its existence as I damn well know it (at this point for me) isn’t panning out to be a positive experience. Therefore… I reject it.

I often see/hear people boast of impeccable friendships touching their lives on a daily basis. Apparently I need these peoples’ digits. Maybe I’m too dependent on these select people for their time/energy/RESPECT. Maybe I’m just too naïve in thinking the heart of a friendship is supposed to be a reliable one. Maybe my expectations are too high? Or maybe… just maybe… I pick the wrong people. Perhaps a combination of all these ideas has lead me to (undoubtedly) a dead end of failure.

I ask myself often why it is that I am constantly disappointed. Answers range variously from, “Because you just can’t accept these people for who they actually are” to “Wow, they really don’t give a shit about me, do they?”. Final answer? Humans are selfish. We want what we want (Me: A handful of decent, reliable, responsible adults who are enjoyable to be around, have an impeccable sense of humour and are fairly low maintenance) and when we don’t get it we either cut corners to get by dealing with the consequences or we estrange ourselves completely from the situation to avoid handling it responsibly. I do it sometimes too. But I’m starting to wonder if the people we make the decision to be “friends” with 5+ years ago are still the same set of people we are meant to be friends with where we stand in our lives now. Maybe so. Maybe some set of friendships don’t change drastically and the paths two people are on head in the same direction. But I’d venture to say that a lot/most don’t. And I think the most common response is to continue relationships with these people because you simply cannot bear the thought of parting ways with them “after all these years”. It hurts. I get it. Me too. But what hurts worse? Distancing yourself from the hurt caused by someone that you ultimately do not mesh with anymore? Or allowing that hurt to continue to staple your life until there ends up being so much bitterness and resentment that you can barely stand to hear this person’s voice on the phone anymore. In my opinion the ladder is simply foolish. Even though I’ve done it/continue to still do it.

::sigh:: It’s backbone time. This friendship thing was meant to be a help, not a hindrance and I, for one am sick of resenting the whole idea. Time to do some weeding.

This other thing… respect. I guess it goes hand in hand with friendship but it applies (as we all know) elsewhere in life too. The thing I’ve learned about respect after being with/hanging around the right set of people is that most are ok with not having it if they never had it to begin with. But once you fucking have it… you will never deal with not having it again. I spent a lot of my earlier years being walked on by plenty of people. Men, women, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, family, etc. I think in my 26 years of age, I may have finally figured out exactly what respect is and what it means to receive it from people and sheeeeiiiiiittt… I ain’t never goin’ back, son.

What I don’t understand is the people that want it… but don’t think they’re expected to give it. There are lots of those people. Everywhere. You better check yoself before you wreck yoself. I had an experience recently that ended up simultaneously being a “straw that broke the camel’s back” AND “clouds parting” situation all rolled into one. The people involved still are pretty unaware of the effect they had on me. Let me put it into perspective for you:

You’re a child. You have two younger siblings. You live at home with mom and dad and every week there’s a chore list to be executed between the 3 of you. This chore list must be completed in a timely fashion before the end of each week or else there’s “big trouble” awaiting you. And every week, without fail, you do your chores diligently while your two siblings sit on the couch and watch tv. Granted, there is the occasional “put your dirty dish in the sink” from both of them… but generally speaking, you’re the one that carries the load. You try talking to them nicely… after all, they are family and you love them. But nice-talk turns eventually turns into irritated-talk which then quickly turns into angry-talk and shortly following, livid-talk. They know that ultimately, because you don’t want the wrath of the parental unit to rain down at the end of each week, you will do the chores because they must be done. Following the livid-talk, gradually resentment and bitterness sets in and one glorious day (this is the “straw breaking camel’s back”/”clouds parting” moment), you decide to throw in the towel. You will not lift another finger on behalf of you or your siblings. You swallow you pride, you accept that there may be deafening consequences to your decision, but that ultimately, you are making it and you are sticking with it and whatever happens, happens. The house might fall apart, you might get in trouble, you might lose respect from your siblings. But wait… you never had it to begin with! So the most damaging side of the consequences has already come into play. And by “quitting”… you free yourself from feeling burdened and angry over “always doing the right thing”… because it’s not your job to be responsible for other people.

It’s your job to be respectful. And when it’s not returned… all bets are off. And that, my “friends”… is how I feel.