My birthday gathering with "friends" this year was a bit disappointing. Guess it was my turn to have one of those, considering my previous birthday shindigs have all been pretty epically outstanding. Perhaps it's a sign that I should grow up and stop having birthday parties. Or that my friend list should change. Or that I'm being a huge whiny baby. In any case, here are a few things I was not disappointed by:
A.) Going ice skating before dinner. That shit is fun. For real.
B.) Inviting my oldest friends from high/middle/elementary school. I always invite them and I'm never sorry.
C.) Smoking two cigarettes during the course of the evening. I quit smoking over the summer and haven't really looked back... but I definitely enjoyed those smokey treats.
D.) Standing up to the jerks who were hogging the shuffleboard table all night and would have continued to, had I not got in their face about it.
E.) Playing a round of shuffleboard and enjoying several tasty beers. Duh.
F.) Wearing a tie. Also duh.
It's pretty apparent to me after last night that half of what "being a friend" means is the actual showing up part. Not that a lot of the people who didn't show mattered. But some of them did, and it hurt my feelings. Enough so that instead of sleeping in this morning after going to bed at 1:30 a.m., I'm downstairs writing this entry because I'm still fuming about it.
I've come to the conclusion that it simply isn't possible for me to find a group of people trustworthy enough to be friends with. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm let down too easily. Maybe I'm just reading too far in. Either way, there isn't a single solitary person on this earth right now that I would call for anything. And the night didn't start out that way. But leaving the establishment, getting in the car and driving home (completely sober, mind you) was probably one of the loneliest moments of my life.
Do I not invest enough of myself in these relationships? It could be my fault. Or maybe the group of people I'm choosing to invest in (on whatever level) are simply not the right people. Whichever of those options is the truth (probably a bit of both), it devastates me, as I've always found friendships to be a prominent part of my life.
What I haven't said yet is that I'm a bit of a control freak... I like people to act and behave appropriately (or inappropriately) at all times and in every situation, I expect friends to make the right decision every time and when things don't go my way, I'm intensely thrown off by it. Disheartened, angered, bitter - mostly a combination of all three.
...and I can't let go. I hold onto things and watch them slip between my fingers until my hands are raw from holding on so tightly. Holding onto relationships that aren't and will never be what they once were. How do you let go? Is it one of those zen things where I need to stand naked in a field somewhere with my arms out, then exhale and it will all go away? I'd love to believe that... because if that were the case (for as uncomfortable as I'd be naked), I'm out the door, finding that field.
And I wonder, have I always been this way? A little, I think. I was more open to change at one point in my life and then my dad passed away and I wanted to be 10 again forever. I know that's why I struggle... I just don't really know how to reverse it. My girlfriend tells me to stop putting so much emphasis on "who shows up" and start accepting people for who they are. "You don't like that about them? Well... it's who they are, Chelsea... so if you're going to remain friends with them, it's probably something you're going to have to suck it up and deal with. They aren't just going to magically change into someone else." Thing is... I know that. I really do. I get it... the odds of them changing into reliable, trustworthy, responsible adults are about as great as me turning into a passive nudist. I just keep hoping that at some point, some/one/all of them will grow up. And then I follow it up by telling myself that hope is a good thing, and maybe... just maybe at some point things will go back to the way they used to be.
It's time to give up the dream, I think. Time to start googling how to let go and checking out some self-help books.
What is that expression? Hmmmmm...
"Help me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
Holy shit... perfect.
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